my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
