dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
