if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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