I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
