i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
