grinding to god bless the USA? really?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least