Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
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Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
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There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated