Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though