So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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