This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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