So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
