VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
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Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
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Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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