every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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