Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
