So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's blow job season.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
