Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
