party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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