he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
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I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
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You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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