Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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