i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
