having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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