I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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