she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
