We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Terrible idea I love it
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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