I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
