i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
