Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
