dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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