Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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