he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
