I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
