He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
