my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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