I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
