I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
