A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
