Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
