Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
