I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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