so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
