I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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