Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
