This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
