I just saw a hot homeless man
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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