he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
