I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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