theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
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The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
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Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard