as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast