I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her