Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
