totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Is it penis luge time yet?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
