So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
