Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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