I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
