i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
