I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i will never coherently bang her
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
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His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
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I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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