took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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