Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
