Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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