I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
